New projects.

Lately I have been into audio recording.
I listen to This American Life until my ears bleed. I scour the storycorps website looking for new slices of life to devour.

One might say I am obsessed.

But now my obsession has shifted ever so slightly. Now I am obsessed with doing my own recordings. My first endeavors included recording my Uncle's phone messages he leaves me and taping my friend talking about his past. Storycorps assures me that there are interesting stories to be captured out there. Ira Glass tells me that failure will come before success does. But as much as I am interested in hearing another story it doesn't seem to do much more than whet my curiosity.

I am seeking your (yes you the reader) assistance to make this more exciting for me. I am looking for a telenovela/ soap opera to record using my voice and the voice of others. I don't know how many people are into writing soap operas, but you should be.

Let us make this interesting...Just because I have no idea how many people will even respond to this.
I want your soap operas!
The guidelines are:
- no longer than 4,000 words of dialogue.
- it must be double spaced.
- make sure there are at least two characters (preferably more).
- must be in english.
- DEADLINE: May 28, 2009 (thursday)

*Note: this can have a definitive ending, but preferably I would like this to be in the format of a show that will have many episodes.

Please email this to phantomlipszine@gmail.com

The soap opera the editors and I like the best will receive $10 (I know not much but I don't have a job!) and a free copy of our first issue of Phantom Lips!

So get on this people!!

[phantom.]

No wonder.

No wonder the Obama administration changed the name of Toxic Assets.
It sounds like a giant beer dump taken the morning after a rough night of partying when you woke up in bed with the fat chick you used to tell your friends, "shouldn't walk near the San Andreas fault line."

Psychic Bet.

ME: Hey, what's up?
UNCLE ED: Uh, Katy. When did you say your friend was moving out here to live in the house?
ME:Well, like May. But that actually might not happen. Why?
UNCLE ED: Well it seems I might not be able to drive sometime in April.
ME: Wait are you serious? Why?
UNCLE ED: I got a letter that implied the district attorney might take away my license for that time I was arrested in Costa Mesa.
ME: Wait, I'm confused... Was it implied, or stated.
UNCLE ED: Uh, well. It was implied.
ME: Wait, what exactly did the letter say?
UNCLE ED: Uh, it said. It said in April that my life will be turned upside down. Anyways, the only thing I can think of is the ticket in Costa Mesa.
ME: Uncle Ed. Did you get this letter from the District Attorney or a Psychic??
UNCLE ED: ...
ME: Uncle Ed, tell me.
UNCLE ED: A psychic.
ME:So all it said was your life will be turned upside down in April? You do realize that this a ploy to get you to send more money right?
UNCLE ED: Well anyways, the only thing I can think of is the arrest in Costa Mesa.
ME: Uncle Ed! Seriously, how many times have these psychics been right. I want a number and an example.
UNCLE ED:..... Well, like 30% of the time.
ME: Remember when the psychic said, "something bad will happen to someone in your family." And you thought my parents were getting a divorce. And then, they didn't. So when have they been right?
UNCLE ED: They said my mom's heart murmur was going to get worse.... and it did.
ME:Did they say that exactly? Or did they say something more vague
UNCLE ED: They said her heart problems would get worse.
ME: Yeah, but Grandma was 90. That is a pretty safe psychic bet.
UNCLE ED: Well, all I can think of is that they will probably take my license away.
ME: Okay, that ISN'T going to happen.
UNCLE ED: Well what if it does?
ME: Then you will take the bus like other people. Like all your friends do. Or like I do.
UNCLE ED:Anyways, I was thinking I would sell the house and move in with Kathy.
ME: Why on earth would you move to Colorado to live with my parents if you had no car?? It's not like you have a job to go to anyways.
UNCLE ED: I would need someone to drive me around. (Side Note: both my parents have jobs... this would NOT happen) Uh, well maybe I should hold off on looking for a job then. Just in case I lose my license.
ME: You aren't looking anyways... This is stupid though, you shouldn't let a psychic by mail rule your life!
UNCLE ED: Anyways, should I call the court to ask if they are going to take away my license?
ME: *sigh* No, that probably isn't a good idea. They might change their minds and take it away because you sound crazy.
UNCLE ED: So, um, you don't think I should?
ME: NO.
UNCLE ED: Anyways, we will see.
ME: If you get your license taken away I will pay you 20 bucks and we can go see a movie.

19 Reasons why I love my Uncle Ed, and why you should too.

1. He lounges in his white underwear and t-shirt until the wee hours of the morning.
2. He laughs at extremely inappropriate moments, i.e. when people get hurt on TV, when something bad happens to someone on TV, basically when anything that is bad happens…on TV.
3. He also laughs at and is non-erotically intrigued by nudity, on TV.
4. He thinks his computer is trying to trick him during computer chess games, and would love to discuss it with you at length.
5. You can never convince him that Bigfoot isn’t real.
6. He never uses the word shit unless he is talking about the size of a swallow’s bowel movement.
7. He tries to get me a date with the local Mormon missionaries.
8. He buys juice in bulk.
9. He likes unnecessary cooking gadgets such as a rotisserie or a portable radiation cooker.
10. When he eats he packs it into his cheeks like he is preparing for a long winter.
11. His favorite joke is to put an ice pack on my back or to put a stuffed animal spider on my pillow. He does this 3 times a week, and laughs hard every time.
12. While watching a sex scene from “Y Tu Mama Tambien” he asked, “Is this what young people do when their parents aren’t home?”
13. He is a firm believer in the lottery and doesn’t understand that there is an element of chance associated with buying a lottery ticket. Therefore getting extremely mad when he doesn’t win. This happens a lot.
14. He tells me a really random piece of information that I know nothing about and then asks me to clarify. I.e. “Katy, KFC has stopped treating their chicken with a hormone that helps preserve the meat and now I see bruises on my chicken. Why would they do that?”
15. He is one man and he has three computers.
16. His friend Tom calls almost every day at 15-minute intervals for 2 hours, even when he is told my Uncle isn’t home.
17. When modeling new clothes or a new haircut for me, he spins so I can get the full effect.
18. His interest in Internet porn is limited strictly to the fact that you can get it for free, on the Internet.
19. He has now started wearing suspenders for function, Amen to that.

Meet Uncle Ed

Katy's LEGENDARY Uncle Ed leaves a message about his mom, Barbara Bush, and open heart surgery. Listen here.

Drenched In Irony

"I feel like there's not enough rock bands out there, especially when we go on the road. It's tough to find other bands out there, because either they're making a record, or they just got done touring. So kids: Start rock bands. Set down the 'Guitar Hero,' learn how to play an actual guitar and start a band, because it's hard to find more bands to put a solid rock-and-roll package together, to get out there. It's getting harder and harder, but I think we've done it." -- Chad Kroeger, Nickelback


Wow.

Fuck Space.